Tuesday, April 29, 2008

While Waiting for the Paint to Dry...Enlightenment.

Today started out exactly as I had called it the night before.  I went on an "interview" (quoted because I am a freelancer...had I been anything else, I would have left them out) this morning for what I recalled as a something-to-do-with-what-I-already-know-how-to-do-because-I-forgot-the-title-that-was-associated-with-the-position gig. [keep up *wink* LOL]  I'm already very familiar with the company so there was no research necessary.  Plus, I have heard many a story about what it's like to work for them.  I decided to go anyway.  It was difficult to separate the notorious reputation of the company from my desire to maintain an open mind.  But, again, I did it anyway.

The conversation was great...as I had already expected (don't get me wrong, I'm not a pompous ass or anything of that nature).  I expected it because I asked the Universe for it.  I visualized it and totally received it.  I went home knowing I was getting a call later in the afternoon.  So, I went about my biz as usual.

It was about 11:30ish when I got back home.  I decided to work on my apartment some more.  Since it was hot as shit outside & the parking lot in the back was relatively empty, I decided to paint the last of the furniture.  I was tired as hell for lack of proper sleep last night. But, I mustered up the strength and the will to do it. [Yes, mustered. Not to be confused with mustard]

While the 1st piece was out cooking in the sun, I received a return call from a friend of mine who is a healer.  We spoke about some of the things I had been experiencing lately & what that meant for me.  It's comforting to know that I have someone there to talk about my journey.  Someone who has started on their path before I did and can related to the kind of experiences I have.  Someone who doesn't think I'm some kind of weirdo or metaphysical fanatic.  It's kind of like belonging to the X-Men.  You can talk about your super powers, and even though each mutant's super power is unique, they all can relate to each other.  

After some much need spiritual comforting & conversation, I continued my furniture painting extravaganza. [I love that word! extravaganza! It's like an announcer should say it every time it's used] In the middle of my earlier phone conversation, I received "the phone call".  I didn't answer because I already knew what they were going to say.  When I decided to check my voicemail, I recited the message aloud before I picked up the phone. Lo and behold! There it was. Verbatim.  I start tomorrow morning. awesome. 
Yet, for some reason, I wasn't excited.  You would think I would be, but I just was not excited.  It's not that I was dreading it, not by any means.  It felt more like ya gotta do, whatcha gotta do.  So, I shrugged it off and got back to work.

Then it hit me. I was completely taken aback.  All of a sudden, I felt all disjointed & disconnected.  I had this overwhelming feeling of oh, shit! what did I just do?! I felt uneasy and strange.   

I had to run to Home Depot to get some more supplies.  On the way, I called my mom.  Trying my best to explain the feeling, I started crying.  Couldn't help it.  I told her the best way to describe the sensation that I was feeling was like a wild animal being caught for the zoo.  She gave the best advice she knew to give, trying every scenario for why I had this feeling.  There were no other words I could conjure up to help her understand that that just wasn't it.  It was a feeling I had never encountered before.  It wasn't a nervous or anxious feeling or any other Psych 101 textbook feeling.  It was something completely different.  I graciously thanked my mom for trying.  Apparently, this was something I needed to figure out myself.

When I got home, I called my healer friend again.  I needed to hash this one out for real.  So, I chorded him.  We talked about it & he called it, right on the money! [of course he did]  He said I had the feeling because I was afraid I'd be taken off course.  Taken away from the journey I am so very much enjoying.  He gave me the words I needed to hear.  He told me that it's up to me to continue moving forward.  To not lose sight of the greater goal.  That this was not the end, nor was it a pause; but rather a part of the journey.  It's an opportunity.  It's exactly what I asked the Universe for.  And his advise was exactly what I needed to hear.  My spirit felt calm again.  I felt better.  Much better.

We wrapped up the conversation & I painted another coat.

Now that my house is back in order and my mind is clear, I can start my day tomorrow feeling good.  Complete and good. So, as the paint dries, I continue to be enlightened.  I am beginning to see with one eye & utilize the dual powers, gratitude & the ability to dream.  Thank you to all my spiritual advisors and to my amazing family.  I am blessed to have you all with me.

Thank you.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

I Feel Nothing.

It's really weird. Usually, given the circumstances, I would feel something. Sad, angry, happy, hurt, joy, relief...something. But, I don't. I don't even feel "indifferent".  I literally feel nothing.

I have to thank The Four Agreements.  Had I not finished that book today, I'm sure I'd be some sort of a wreck right now.

I am at peace. I am in a very different place than I've ever been before. I am intrigued...very intrigued. 

We'll see what I feel like tomorrow.

blessings.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Dead Tired and Feeling Accomplished!

Just ended a 4-hour non-stop sewing session. Finished stage one of my curtain panels (stages 2-4 involve lining, hemming and hanging). 34 strips of fabric, sewn together to form 2 curtain panels. I felt like I was in the American Flag factory in China, but with better working conditions. I at least had the liberty (no pun intended) to get up and pee every now and then & fix a snack.

I'm ├╝ber exhausted & excited to shove my head into my pillow and look at the inside of my eyelids.

I can't wait to post the before and after pix of my place. (Mom, I know you are anxiously waiting! I'll try and finish this week. Just for you! ...and a little for me too!)

nite nite!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Medicine For Melancholy

I was reading the dork magazine. blog today & they talked about this indie film Medicine For Melancholy by Barry Jenkins.

Watch the trailer...



I really, REALLY want to see this movie. Especially since I can relate! (but that's a whole OTHER blog!)

Please support!

Positive Thoughts For Positive Results

We're all at a crossroads right now.  It's do or die.  It's three to five.  It's time to truly walk in faith and be positive, feel positive and believe.

We love you.  We would NEVER turn our backs on you.  I will never turn my back on you.  I believe you.  I believe IN you.  I know you will be a better man in the end.  Just know that we are here for you.  I am here for you no matter what.  You are a part of me. I am a part of you.  It's all love.

Wishing circumstances were different.  Unfortunately, this is what it took for you to finally listen.  I believe you're listening now.  I don't blame you for wanting a hug and good food.  I think you should get that.  The proper send off for your journey.  A full stomach and a satchel full of love.

I promise I will do all I can.  But, I can't promise others will change their minds.  I know their frustrations. I know mine. I now know yours.  I know how it feels for others to not let go of their view of you.  I know how it feels to have others try and keep you in the box they are used you to being in.  I know you are breaking out of that box.  You too are a magnificent butterfly transforming within an ugly cocoon.  You are decorating your cocoon from the inside out.  You can see better things, you can see the beauty.  But others only see the outer shell of your cocoon.  They take it for face value.  They look thru glasses of frustration, anger, sadness, and doubt, preventing them from thinking, knowing that this time is truly different.  You cried wolf too many times.  Now, when the wolf is breathing down your neck, they're no longer calling your bluff.  Well, no worries, bro.  When you walk in faith, wolves don't matter...nothing matters.  Nothing matters because you are walking with the untouchable, undying faith in God and in the Universe.  That's how I walk & I'm asking you to walk with me.  We'll do it together.

I'm sending you my energy.

I love you. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

80s Revival

I'm listening to my iTunes Radio Big R Radio 80s FM and one of my old favorites came on...

Jody Watley - Lookin' For a New Love



I love that I heard this song! I miss the 80s. It was a time when music still talked about real shit.

Get it girl!

Ask and You Will Receive

I'm still in the process of redecorating my place & today I went downtown to get fabric to make my curtains.  As I'm driving thru downtown on my way to the fabric district, I ask the Parking Gods for a simple favor - A broken parking meter.  Not just ANY broken parking meter, no.  I need a convenient broken parking meter.  One that is close to where all my shopping will be.
Maybe a little demanding, I don't know.  But, it's what I wanted. So, I asked for it.

 I continue driving.  Closing in on my destination,  I approach the light at 8th Street.  I look to my left & there's an open meter!  "Awesome!" I thought.  I flip a bitch right into the parking spot. Score!  But it's blinking red...which means it's expired & I'll have to put coins in. "Damn!" I said "Eh, but, it's cool cuz at least it's close."  In addition to the sole 2 dimes I had in my ashtray (perfect place for meter money - seeing as though I don't smoke) I had some dollar bills on me to make change for the meter.  So, I got out of my car, hit the alarm & walked up to the meter and...


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Broken!

What more can I say?

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Supporting Local Vendors = Deliciousness!

Driving down Washington Blvd. hungry as hell with In 'n Out on the brain, I passed by this couple grillin the hell outta some chicken...

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I HAAAAAD to turn around! Are you kidding?!? you know it's good when its from the people! I felt like I was at the farmers market, but without the rest of the market! LOL!

Javier was the pit-master...Really a super friendly guy! As nice as they come.

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The chicken smelled amazing & tasted even better! I got 1/2 a chicken, beans, macaroni & tortillas and a horchata for 7 bux! Are you kidding?!? Awesome. Way better than any In 'n Out I'da ever gotten!

This is Yasmin. She was equally as sweet as Javier. The horchata was on point!

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They're there every Saturday (Washington Bl @ Thurman Ave, just before the 10 overpass) and on Sundays Javier told me they're up on Alvarado by the 101). Go there! Meet them! Support local vendors!

yum!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

On Being Me...

So, I went out tonight.  To Geisha House [amazing food & deserts BTW] and to Red Rock.  Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures to share, as my camera is still en route to Geek Squad @ Best Buy on La Brea.   And, do I ever wish I had my camera tonight.  Actually, I wish I had a video camera.  [Will, I'm may follow your lead and head to Target!] 

I must say that tonight was a fuckin' ball.  At least for me.  Amazing food, drinks & good company! What more could you ask for?!? Oh, and I must add that the guys dancing @ Red Rock were total entertainment.  Genius!  I can't say that I wasn't amused.  Thanks, Universe, for blessing me with the opportunity, awareness & ability to enjoy life to it's fullest.  

Tonight was the first night out of my "element".  Around other people who may think a bit differently than me.especially after a smoke -- or two]  ** I think I may go get my Passport this weekend ** Uncle Gino, I may come for a visit this weekend!  Look for me!

I made at least one new friend, and touched another. ((no, no! not in a perverted way. But, in an en passe kind of way...which is very pleasing by the way.  Like reaching out to my brothers, but instead my brothas. Ya know??))

I had an awesome time! Thanks, Robyn, Vince & Dave!! Much love 2 u!

later.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Island Days

Reminiscing on old times, I think about how much I miss the "island" days. No, not as in the Caribbean or Hawaii or Fiji (nice thought tho!). But, as in the two of us sitting on my bed (a.k.a the island) all day long and shutting out the rest of the world. No phones, no computers, no shower, no getting dressed, no running errands, no nothing. Nothing but TV and movies and good times.

The most recent island day was not the same as it once was. Things are different now. Not only has the island moved, but apparently the feelings moved too -- washed away by a tide of ambition and selfish goals. Cast out into the sea of the world. I find myself clinging to the wreckage of the old forgotten ship that brought us to the island in the first place. All the while hoping I will come across the rest of the broken peices and someday rebuild it. Lofty goal, I know (especially when your first mate jumped ship a long time ago!); but the feeling still remains.

I wish I could go back to when things were a bit more simple. When the feelings were reciprocated. When it was more about enjoying the moment and enjoying the company; rather than it being about resistance and refrain.  

I long to go back to the good ol' island days when life was a bowl of cherries!

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Lost for Words

For some odd reason, I am having a very difficult time articulating my thoughts during conversation.  My vocabulary has gone straight down the toilet & I have no idea when it happened. 

WTF?!

The appropriate words come to mind as my thought develops, but, by the time the thought processes & works its way to my voice box...POOF! the words disappear!  Tooootal glitch in The Matrix. Then I'm left feeling like a total ass as I stumble around searching for the words that elude me. 

F*CK!

It's not that I'm a dummy or anything.  This never used to be a problem -- at least not until now.

What do I do?!

Dammit.

Dammit.

Dammit.

Biker Chick in Waiting

I want a motorcycle. A Honda 600CBR F4i to be exact. I've been on the back of Meow's bike on 3 separate occasions & I'm done riding bitch! I want my own shit!

I've had a ball being passenger, don't get me wrong. It's a good way to get acclimated to being totally exposed to the elements - especially speeding past Metro buses on the freeway @ 115 mph! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeoooommmmm!
F-U-N! [Go Metro, my ass!] But, it's time to graduate. Plus, it will be so much MORE fun when Meow & I can harmoniously weave in & out of traffic on the way to Hermosa Beach whenever she comes in town! Plus, bikes are a d*ck magnet! I mean really, what's hotter than a hot chick on a sportbike?!?

I've got the itch & it's time to scratch! I've been on Craigslist for the past 2 days looking at bikes for sale. [almost shit myself a couple of times when I came across a few fly ass bikes!] So, today, on my way back from Starbucks, I asked for the bike. I put it in the universe & I'm ready to receive. As soooooon as I get one, I will definitely post the photos!

watch what happens.

be excited!

I am.

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[on Meow's bike]

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Anxiety...

Not so much in a bad way or a good way...but, just in "a way". You know how you get that adrenaline rush & then antsy feeling when you can't wait to get outta work, or when you're excited about somewhere you're about to go, or when you think of someone "muy especial"? Well that's what I'm feeling right now. It sucks because I have no real reason for feeling this way. But, then again, I do. (yeah. exactly!)

I'm kind of going thru an emotional skid mark with someone in my life (choosing to be vague on purpose. hello?!). My feelings are teetering along a thin line. Part of me wants to jump in head first and wait to see what happens, hoping for the best. Another part of me wants to throw in the towel and run away frustrated, angry, and a little sad. And, yet another part of me wants to continue to walk the line until I can truly decide which way to go (or wait to see if something better comes along). There's really no pressure to make a decision right now, however, I'm stuck in this purgatory of anxiousness and indecision (and Starbucks doesn't help). So, for now, I continue to walk the line. It's probably for the best anyway.

dumb.

really, really dumb.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

LA vs WAR ...Part 2

The crowd wasn't as heavy Sunday night. The love was still felt all the same. But, tonight Hit+Run was doin' their screen print thang! Love those guys!! (Shout out to P7!)

:::::::: LA vs WAR - PART 2: Sunday Night ::::::::

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I think LA vs War ran out of the shirts they were selling, so I decided to have the shirt I was wearing screened as a momento from the show. Watch what happens...

Here's me talkin' to P about what screens I want for my shirt...
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Here, take my shirt...
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I wonder the exact thought P had at this moment...! LOL
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All photography by Malcolm...
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Peace, Love & Understanding on the front & LA vs WAR on the back
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After all is said & done... (and yes, I did take off my shirt in front the middle of that crowd! No Biggie!)
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(Nice arial shot Malc!)

F*ck Yeah!
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awesome!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

LA vs WAR ...Part 1

a.k.a Awesomeness!

Went to the LA vs WAR event on Saturday AND Sunday night with 3 awesome beings. Saturday, I went with Meow and Will met up with us. Sunday, with Malcolm. Both nights were dope in their own right. Eventhough the art didn't change, my experience for each night was compeletly different. Here are the photos from the event! ... Thanks, guys, for rollin out with me! Had a ball!!

:::::::: LA vs WAR - PART 1: Saturday Night ::::::::

Saturday night before the show @ the Meow & Yaas photoshoot...

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...LA vs WAR at the Firehouse Downtown LA...

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The art was amazing and very provoking & inspiring.

I heard this one sold for $50,000. Some guy told me on Sunday. Don't know how true it is, but IF it is, that's awesome! That's $50K to fund Peace! awesome.

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awesome!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Want a Dog? Go to a Garage Sale!

Perusing Craigslist for garage sales the other day, I came across this posting.

Dog for Sale Craigslist

Who does that?!?!? Sells their dog at a moving sale?! WTF?

C'mon, Sparky! Wanna go outside?! C'mon! Let's go for a walk! Wanna go for a ride? Huh? Huh? Do ya?! C'mon, jump in this guys car!

Little does the poor doggie know...

puppy face

Wow.
...

Imagine the conversation when the someone actually buys the dog...

Phil: Sooo, you want the Alan wrench set? That'll be $2 since a few are missing. The Joy of Cooking for $1...And the "Worlds Best Dad" coffee mug for 75 cents...You know what, how about fifty cents, it's chipped. The coffee table, that's 10 bucks...

Guy: And the dog. How much you sellin' that dog for?

Phil: Oh, Sparky? Eh...make an offer.

Guy: Hmm. How old is she?

Phil: Six

Guy: What kind of dog is she?

Phil: A medium sized one.

Guy: Ok. Hey, hon, how much you think we should offer for this 6 year old medium size dog?

Lady: I don't know sweetie. You're the one who's good at bargaining.

Phil: How about 50 bucks? She's got all her shots & she can do tricks. Watch. SPARKY! Come here girl! Sit! Good girl. Roll over! ... No. ROLL OVER! Good girl! Shake! Good girl.
See?

Guy: Hmm. Well, you DID have to tell her twice to roll over. She didn't really get it at first. How about 10 bucks?

Phil: How about 15?

Guy: DEAL! Does she come with toys? or are they sold separately?

Phil: I'll throw in a few toys. I've got a great doggie bed I sell to you for $5.

Guy: Great! I'll take it all. What's my total?

Phil: $33.50

Guy: Here's 30. 31, 32, 33. Hey, hon! Do you have 5o cents?

Lady: Yeah, I should. [Digging in the bottom of her purse for 2 minutes] Here you go sweetie.

Guy: Aaaand...50 cents. Thanks!

Phil: Thank you!
...

Either this guy/family is running from the Mafia or the FBI. Phil, you've had the dog for 6 years (I'm assuming, since you know exactly how old it is. People who get older dogs usually say "Oh, she's about 6 years old, but I'm not 100% sure because she was a rescue...")

Wow.

Friday, April 11, 2008

NEWS FLASH!: T-Shirts Protect Fat Kids @ The Pool

If you're fat and sick and tired of being made fun of at the pool, look what this kid did! Genius.


*Thanks Sneezl*

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Comin' @ Ya 1000 Beats Per Second! Bring Bacon.

Met up with a familiar face I haven't seen in aaaaaaaages (my bad man! I know I've had the time off too! LOL) over at Villa on Melrose (used to be Monroe's) last night.
**like how i have 2 conversations in 1 sentence?! LOL!**

I got to finally wear my vintage leather coat I bought when my mom was here. Yay! Ooooh I was so fly. Hell, I felt fly!

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And I had a milkshake earlier that evening! *see Chocolate Shake & A Cupcake* Life couldn't have been better. I was is such an awesome mood, too! I was happy for happiness sake! It was a great feeling. Best I've felt in years. Kinda liberating actually.

Crazy thing is (here comes a back story...) I was SO tired yesterday, almost exhausted really. I agreed to a have dinner with some girlfriends I used to work with & listened to them lament about the continuing saga. It was like listening to a soap opera on TV from the kitchen. You're not watching it anymore, but you can see exactly what is going on. You know the characters so well that it takes very little imagination to put it all together. The more I listened, the more I realized how truly happy I was to be out of that energy dynamic. No more unnecessary tension and drama sucking the life out of me on a daily basis. I instantly felt free! Like the bird who fled the cage. It was momentous. I couldn't believe the sense of relief I felt at that moment. (AND the pizza was amazing!) I was instantly in an awesome mood! Felt like magic LOL!

Then you add the milkshake/cupcake combo (I actually am about to eat that cupcake now...I didn't get to it yesterday!), my mood shot thru the roof. F*ck cloud 9. I was on cloud 215! Went home, entertained Mary Jane, listened to some 80s funk (thanks 2 Devon's Myspace page & YouTube links) & text an old friend. Exhausted and exhilarated at the same time, I decided to go out. F*ck it! Go with the flow. The energy was right. (plus, it's right around the corner from my house, didn't have to go far)

Villa it is!

Upon my arrival, I'm greeted by a slew of paparazzi. They must've forgotten that I was famous, so there were no flashbulbs. It's all good. It was my night off. You know, being famous isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes it's fun to be a regular person.

LOL!

I digress.

As I'm walking behind 3 too-skinny hollywood celebwhore chicks (one in booty shorts...mind you it was pretty f*ckin brr outside for LA at this time of year. You saw what I had on!), I think to myself. Damn, do I want to deal with this kind of crowd tonight? Hollywood shit? Eh.

I stopped.
Sent a text.
Thought about it.
Said,
"Fuck it. I'm already here. Why not?"

Walked right in the door.

Surprise. Surprise. What did I see? Hollywooooooood! LOL (no, not the celebs, just the celebutants. Rich white folks (and I'm sure there were a bunch of posers, too) and a sprinkling of others. Awesome people watching! It's hilarious how out of control some of the drunken dolls get. Yes, dolls. Plastic ones. One girl fell flat on her face in the middle of the dance floor. She even laid there for a minute. Com-e-dy!

As I passed judgment (not in a bad way, just in my way) on all who were in my direct line of sight, I played catch up with Malcolm. It was good to see him after all this time. Reconnecting with friends is awesome!
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Funny side note...This chick (can't remember her name, but then again I wasn't focused when we were introduced) volunteered to sit on my jacket (so I wouldn't have to hold it while I was sideline boogie-ing) and she was soooo tossed! I was thoroughly entertained and quite amused by her. She kept telling me that the more I showed my teeth, the longer she will warm my coat with her ass. (yes, that is EXACTLY what she said!) I couldn't help but laugh. Liquor makes people so entertainting! Mind you, I was babysitting a glass of pinot grigo, so I was as far from drunk as a Mormon on Sunday. But! I was in an altered state of mind...after all, this is California!

Here she is warming my coat with her ass. (Sorry, guys, no ass shots!)
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She was a nice person. I can't say anything bad...other than I think she was trying to get me involved in some sort of menage trois. Not interested. But, thanks...?! (I guess)

Apparently it was also karaoke night. There were a few WTF's and Umm...Yeah's. There were, however 3 people that got up there and actually did their thang thang. I have video... (I'll post it later)

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Look @ the guy in the lower right! HIL-ARIOUS! I can only imagine what he's thinking! No, dude. They're all not going home with you for a fantasy romp in your 1 room studio! Sorry.

Good times.
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Thanks for the invite Malc!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Chocolate Shake & A Cupcake!

I am in such a good mood right now.  Really don't know why, but I just hit me.  I know it's partially due to the fact that I am out of that crazy ass backwards work environment that I endured for a year.  Hearing my friends lament about all the goings on, made me realize how truly happy I am to be me right now.   I mean, times are tough, don't get me wrong, but I've got peace of mind!  I don't know what it is, maybe its my faith in the Universe and God that keep me sane right now.  But whatever it is, I'm glad to have it!!  

** I know reading my blog page a person may think I'm bipolar or something. I'm not. It's my period. LOL! Seriously. (I don't care if it's TMI, that's what the hell ur gonna get from me! get used to it.)  **

Anyway, I just had some delicious pizza in Larchmont & stopped on Beverly for a chocolate shake and a cupcake (white cake, white icing & sprinkles! Just the way I like it...since is was a tot!).  I sang about it on my way home... chocolate shake 'n a cupcake! chocolate shake 'n a cupcake! Yum!


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Attack of the Irrational Crazy Monster Lady Person!

Once a month, as we all know, our lady hormones go haywire! It's like a super short circuit to the brain.  An out of body experience of sorts.  I go crazy & get all mad and emotional and sensitive and bitchy and irrational and crazy and sad and weird and looney and... (seriously folks, we could be here allllll night and I'm not gonna do that to you!) all at once. And the worst part about it - I CAN'T PREVENT IT! I can't stop it & I can't control it!  

It's only after the fact, i.e. the next day, that I realize why I was so crazy & bitchy the day before. Then I'm spending 1/2 my day apologizing to all who encountered Ms. Hyde the day before.  Lemme tell you, eating crow is NOT delicious!  

sorry for yesterday everybody! (you DEFINITELY know who you are!!)

Monday, April 7, 2008

...Wookin Puh Nub...

In all the wrong places indeed! I'm really trying to understand the innate human desire to go after the thing (or things) that eludes us. Why do we want the things we can't have? Why to we chase things that don't want to be caught? What makes them so enticing? (...especially when it comes to love/like/lust/whatever.)

I never thought I was one who liked to chase (and I still think I don't really enjoy it). But, for some reason I find myself staring Wyle E. Coyote in the mirror more and more often.

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It's torture, really. It may be impatience. It may be personal issues. Hell, it may be both! (probably both) But, whatever it is, it's not good. I've read The Rules Book (both I & II) and I've been breaking each and every one of them. Thinking that if I just be honest and open about everything and not play "the game", things will work out in my favor. WRONG! At the end of the day, I'm running a losing race. I know it's mean, but I feel like I'm running in the Special Olympics for emotional retards & apparently I'm going for the gold! This can't be good.

**The funny thing is, this isn't the kind of thing that people usually divulge publicly. However, blogging is my version of release therapy. Well, blogging and crying...I am a Cancer after all!**

I was finally able to admit to myself a few weeks ago that I am ready to not be single anymore. It's been five years of the single life and I'm ready to chill out for a minute. But, I guess because I'm ready for a relationship, I jump into girlfriend mode before really looking at the situation first. I definitely get so far ahead of myself that I find that I am not embracing my own worth. When I fall, I tend to fall hard. I sometimes...well, actually, most times, give more of myself than I should be. More than is sometimes deserved. Why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free? Well you know what? I'm cutting off my utter! No more freebies. I'm tired.

It's really not worth the headache. I'm so over trying to make things fit. The square block will never fit in the triangle hole! I learned that when I was 2. For some reason I'm dismissing that information & trying to make it work. And...surprise, surprise...I'm frustrated! Shock-er!

I know my worth. I know my good qualities and my bad. I could write a list! (and maybe I should!) I know that what I bring to the table, overall, is good shit. Yes, I have issues. We all do. (YES, we ALL do - no one's exempt) But, I'm workin' em out. Here's the problem. There's a lack of quality & substance in the dating world. Men have gotten so lazy that it makes me want to throw up. So many women have been throwing cubic zirconia at these guys that they don't know when they've got a real diamond in hand. (I'm sure the guys have their complaints about women too. That's fine. I know there's a lot of donkeys out there. I'm just not one of them!)

Now, here's my problem. I don't demand what I deserve. I let people get away with murder, and feel bad about it later. I settle for what is right now, rather than waiting for what is right. It's an insecurity. I know. Another thing I concluded during one of my many introspective moments, I have abandonment issues. There. I said it. Out loud. I never understood why I hold on so tight...at least not until now. So, how do I correct it? I don't know. Unfortunately, I only took Psych 101 for a semester & didn't pursue it any further. Oh well. Looks like another trial and error session for Yaas Q. awesome. (but not really)

I wish I was a cut & dry, yes-noer. But, alas, I'm not. I can see the black and white, but for some reason, I want to mix it all up. I live in the gray area hoping to make blue or green. You know what's dumb? That shit!

Damn it. I'm working on it though!

status: under construction

Friday, April 4, 2008

the Daily Show...

I love some Comedy Central! Between the Daily Show & the Colbert Report I am intellectually entertained every show. John Stewart is a genius! really. Colbert?! What?! ridiculous. I swear some shit is so hilarious, I can't help but appreciate the humor in our daily lives in this country!

The things we think are important. The way our video games and online forums give the government strategies on attacking foreign lands and monitoring the worlds every move. I was watching Lil Bush earlier and cracking up. Our current state of the government is so laughable. The way the media is attempting to mask the bullshit. How PC the politicians have to be while stabbing each other in the back and endorsing their own egos with their dirty campaign tactics.

When did it become more about a race to the seat and less about what the country needs?! We don't need someone who has more "experience" in the White House (aka time served). We need someone who has more experience with the people! It's the fact that many of us can finally relate to a potential leader of our nation. We, as US citizens, are finally wanting change en masse. We are more aware now than ever. We are steadily opening the doors to new opportunities and standing up for what's good for us as people and humanity as a whole. The mutiny has begun! Finally, we, as a generation, are speaking our minds & proudly standing alongside each other to work toward change.

...

I recently got into regularly blogging (as you can tell by my join date on blogger), but I'm not new to the concept. I used to post my diary, if you will, on my Myspace page. Looking back on my first blogs on Myspace, I've realized how much more I express my opinion and feelings more & more freely. Even if no one is listening, or reading for that matter [!], I still enjoy putting it out there. It's the most liberating feeling I could imagine. Saying what ever the fuck I want (no, I didn't use an astrix [* for those who STILL don't know what that is] this time for effect. Hell, sometimes I like to cuss! Shit! LOL) and there is a slight chance someone may read my blog and think, "Man. I can relate to that!", is an awesome feeling! I know that there are so many intellectually and creatively intelligent people in this world who think progressively and want to improve the human experience thru expressing themselves and creating change.

We reach out to each other via email or chat or blog or whatever web-based opportunity we can (I know a few Craigslist fans). We get to know each other & befriend one another. If we live in proximity, we meet up a what ever coffee shop is on the nearest corner. If we don't live in the same area - hell, or in the same country sometimes! - we offer our homes to our new traveling friends. We are becoming international neighbors. We are creating our own global communities. If you're ever in Paris...

**That's to Mizz Meow! She recently traveled to Paris & Mali to visit friends she met thru her modem...and had an amazing time! By the way, that's how we met (not in Mali, by modem!). Thanks, Myspace! I've met some of the most awesome people on Myspace and a few more on it's predecessors. **

I say all this to say, I think the technology age, or should I say techKNOWLEDGEy age, is becoming more and more globally aware and we are more willing to think outside of the box and outside of our blocks, our neighborhoods, our boroughs, our towns and cities and states. We are interested in learning about more than just ourselves, we want to know about what is going on globally. Even if you're uninterested in what's going on in Japan, you get excited about some 13-year old Japanese girl virtually whooping your ass in Guitar Hero or Halo3! (shout out to all my gamers out there!).

Time zones no longer matter. As much as many of us would love to travel the world, but may not have the resources, we make due through online connections & research. We make the world smaller until we get the chance to actually visit in person. We learn new languages with the help of Amazon.com. We Google any and every thing our overactive brains can conjure up...and actually FIND information on it! We click on the street view tab on Google Maps to see what it looks like to stand on the corner of 42nd St. & Broadway in Manhattan. We watch YouTube videos to entertain ourselves. It's amazing what we do through a computer!

...

On the Colbert Report tonight, he interviewed a guy named Clay Shirky on his book Here Comes Everybody: Organizing Without Organizations. His book is along the same lines of the latter part of this blog (I'm sure that's what sparked the thought!). I want to read it. It sounds interesting. And since I'm again a member of my local library and into saving trees, I'm gonna check it out (hopefully they have a copy). I'll blog about it whenever I do.


As you can see, my thoughts randomly flow into other thoughts and ideas. It may be my A.D.D. or other influences, or a combination of both. I must go to bed seeing as though its 2:56AM and I have to work in the morning! LOL.

I bid you adieu.

nite nite.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Gettin' It Together...

It's the end of day 2 of painting my place and I'm getting more and more excited as my vision unfolds right before my eyes. 

No, I don't live in some huge mansion that is taking days and days to paint. I live in a one room studio that probably totals less than 350 square feet including the kitchen and bathroom. So why is it taking so long? Shouldn't it only take a day to paint 4 measly walls?!? NO! Not in my world!! Especially after running to 3 Home Depots & a midday interview for some freelance work! I swear, I am the queen of errand running.

I'm actually pretty giddy today because I scored some awesome oops paint, completing my color scheme for the kitchen, "bedroom" (LOL), and closet area. AND, on my way home from Home Depot #3, I lucked up on a fantastic dresser for F-R-E-E! More OPS! I'm super excited. I can't wait to paint it! 

I really can't wait to post the before & after pix. There's just a few more things I need to get (accessories & fabric) and then it's Martha Stewart time! Making curtains, pillows, duvet covers, framing photos, blah, blah, blah, and so on and so on. I'm hoping to have it all done by Friday at the latest, so I can enjoy my weekend in my "new" place.  Watch it be warm and I end up spending the weekend at the beach! LMMFAO

;)
 
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