Di Plane! Di Plane!

So, I’m on my way to New York by way of Delta Airlines and it has been quite an olfactory ride to say the least. It all began with me I guess. I brought 2 bananas on board thinking I would be enjoying my “dinner” aboard this fine aircraft. But, then it dawned on me…banana peels stink after-the-fact. So, I decided not to indulge. I ate a less-stinky Snicker bar instead.

Despite my effort to keep some sort of neutral olfactory ground, someone else in the vicinity decided against it. He or she decided a beef and bean burrito from Del Taco was a grand idea prior to boarding. Needless to say the unpleasantries to follow were not very polite. I decided at that moment that breathing thru my mouth was in my best interest.

I continued to read Conversations With God and I couldn’t help but wish that God would’ve had a conversation with Mr. McToots before he pulled into the drive-thru. But, I guess not everyone is ready to engage in such grand dialogues.

Since I’m on an overnight flight I knew that I should get as much “sleep” as I could cuz I’m only in New York for 2 and a half days and sleep is really not an option. As I prepared to go nite-nite, my nostrils were overcome by the glorious scent of Ben Gay. (And we all know how delicious Ben Gay smells!) Man.

Seriously. I would love to have a one-on-one with these people in an attempt to understand their logic. Ben Gay? On a PLANE? Really? REALLY?! Good one, Champ! I would love to go to your house and see your Special Olympics trophy for “Smartest Athlete in a Timed Trial”.

I fall asleep listening to my meditative World Flutes on my iPod. Drifting off into aero-dreamland, I try my best to keep my neck as erect as possible and my face forward. Nothing is worse than goosenecking on a plane (think sleeping-baby-in-car-seat). Every now and again, I come to & catch myself with my mouth open. I close it and slip back into my in-flight coma.

Did I mention I’m in a middle seat? Yeah. Thanks, Andre!

What feels like hours later (which was probably more like 45 minutes), I peel my eyes open and wake up. I swear the flight attendants walk by sleeping passengers and put glue in their eyes as they get their “rest”. Never in any other situation do my eyes get more pasty and dry than on an airplane. I could smoke a pound of Mary Jane all by myself and my eyes would be “watery” in comparison to how they feel right now. Luckily for me, I carry a bottle of Visene everywhere I go. Salvation!

I take a swig of my $14 bottle of Aquafina from the airport “gift shop”, look around, “stretch” and go back to “sleep”. [yes, the quotation marks are quite purposeful. Have you ever traveled on an airplane? If so, you know what’s up.]

Next thing I know, the flight attendant is there with his cart full of “goodies” (a.k.a. ridiculously overpriced convenience store treats) and “snacks” (a.k.a. underwhelming free shit that the airline is obligated to offer as part of their “service” to you as a passenger – processed cheese crackers, toddler cookies and peanuts. Ooh, yaaay…!). The lady next to me bought a $3 bag of peanut M&Ms! THREE DOLLARS?! For fucking M&Ms?! It’s not like it was the one pound bag either. It was the equivalent of a regular bag and a half. Three fucking dollars. Some people just gotta have their M&Ms I guess. I collected my processed freebie snacks and headed back to dreamland.

When I woke up again, I was most certain we were in our final decent. Wrong again. I still had 2 hours to go…awesome. That’s when I decided to start this blog.

*sidebar* Did you know that your feet swell in-flight? Yeah, I didn’t either, until just now. I wiggled my toes inside my boots & noticed that my pinky to and my big to are having an affair. I’m afraid to take these suckers off. I just may have boot-shaped feet after deplaning.

It was about 2:47am (LA time) when I said Good Morning to the world. I looked out the window over the guy who what knocked-the-fuck-out next to me and saw the most beautiful horizon.



And then…ahhhh! Ben Gay again!

This is gonna be a fuuuuun trip!