Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Come On Baby, Light My Fire!

I've been in Paris for about 2 and a half months now, and I must say it's been quite a journey. I've learned a LOT about myself and what my life is all about...and not all about. Let me tell you, Self discovery is one of the most difficult, yet most rewarding things in life....aside from motherhood, I'd imagine....but I'm not there yet.

It's funny, because prior to writing this particular blog, I'd written a list of things I'd like to chat about. Even on the metro on the way to the cafe, I was formulating ideas... Well, here I am, in front of my Mac without a clue as to what to say. I realized my list is tucked away in the journal I decided not to bring...and my new ideas vanished as soon as I opened a new Firefox window. *expletive*

With that, I guess I'll just be honest...and write what comes to my mind. It's the best way to do things like this anyway, right?

Here goes...

Lately, I've been reading a lot of articles (emails, blog posts, etc.) about inspiration. Something I've been yearning for for a while. I've found myself dwelling in boredom more often than not. The honeymoon period with Paris is over...our love affair has become, well, bland and no longer interesting...

[I assure you, Paris, it's me, not you....okay, maybe it's you too, a little...but, really, it's me, mostly.]

I digress.

For the longest, I have been looking to other things or people for my inspiration...this art, that music, this designer, that city, this blah blah blah...and it's fleeting at best. I liken it to striking a match that sparks a small flame, but burns out quickly. Apparently, I've been going about this inspiration thing all wrong. What I'm learning to understand is that inspiration comes from within...[great. more digging.]...and it's with you all the time.

Think of it like this...

Your heart is a box of full an endless number matches [desires]. The kindling you collect, as a result of your inner work, is the initial action you take toward manifesting those desires. Inspired thoughts and feelings are the logs, the fuel, to create a lasting, more permanent fire. The constant nurturing and maintenance of this flame is your continued action toward realizing your ambitions. And, of course, the resulting fire is your passion for whatever it is that you want from/in this life. [...and I believe that a one can have many different, separate fires burning within.]

Through meditation, daydreaming, or whatever, you may find yourself striking one of those matches....but it's up to you to turn that match onto the kindling and create the base for a fire. It's imperative to continually fan and feed the flames, add more wood, paper, charcoal, gasoline cans, whatever you need to keep that fire going.

Have you ever tried to light a log aflame with only a single match? What about a brick of charcoal (without the lighter fluid)?

What was the result?

You probably weren't all that successful.
I know I wasn't.

Now, back to my life [cuz it is all about me after all!]....

Some people were lucky enough to know, or remember, exactly what they came here to do early on in life. They came to earth with a complete fire kit: matches, kindling, wood, and all. Some knew since they were knee-high to a mud duck that they wanted to be a dancer, a singer, a painter, a this, a that. And, they've had a burning passion for it ever since. Even in times where their dreams and desires may have been oppressed by thoughts, beliefs, or others opinions, the knowing was still there...tucked away somewhere deep inside.

Well, not in my case. This is where my frustration comes from. Not knowing, or remembering, my passion. What is it that I'm supposed to do? What desire is "tucked away somewhere deep inside" my Being? What is it that I could do for countless hours? for days on end? for the rest of my natural life?

I don't know.

...and that fucking sucks, let me tell you.

I've been striking match after match after match, expecting an emblazoned log. "Where the fuck is the got-damned fire?!" I'd scream in my head with frustration. Match. Match. Match. FUCKING MAAAAATCH!!


So, here I am. On the other side of the world. Trying to figure this shit out. It took me about a month or so to awaken to the fact that many of the matches I'd been lighting weren't even my own! I realized that I was piggy-backing on what others thought would be good for me [...their intentions were only the best, might I add]. Nevertheless, I took those borrowed matches and ran...literally. I allowed myself to create a magnificent world based on what others thought could work for me. The sad part is, I didn't, deep down, necessarily believe it. Essentially, I'd built a fake fire...not unlike one you would find in a gas fireplace...just turn it on...and PRESTO!
Thus, nothing ever materialized.

For a moment, I thought that was it. Finito! game over. I couldn't see past the "dream" I'd so meticulously, and creatively, fashioned. *fuck*

So, where does that leave me?

In Paris.
Not knowing what the fuck I'm gonna do next and holding someone's empty box of matches.
...and winter is approaching.

To an average person, my situation may look dismal. It may seem as though I made a big "mistake" and should've stayed my ass at home, in the States, where I could've at least gotten a "job" and had a "life".

Well, let me just say...I'm NOT an average person. Quite far from it, in fact. I leave averages betwixt a set of predefined numbers.

I cannot be defined.

So, now...I ask again...where does that leave me?

It leaves me with my own box of matches, in the middle of fall, where there is plenty of material to collect for kindling. I'm ready to create a beautiful fire to keep me warm this winter and onward. This time, with my internal collecting of kindling, I know I will find the right components for building a long-lasting, powerfully intense, blazing inferno.

And so it is.

stay tuned.

Friday, September 25, 2009

...Open Your Mind...

good morning.


I've Been Neglecting You!! ...sorry.

As you already know, I've not been the most pertinent about updating my blog.

It's not because I've lost interest, or don't's just that I've been journaling the old fashioned way.....pen and notebook [sans lock & key].

It's been quite an interesting journey.

Monday, September 21, 2009


The never-ending project.

good times.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

....just sent the photos.

I just finished my mini-photo shoot starring Me as the model...Myself as the wardrobe...and I as the photographer.

The photos are "polaroids" for one of the top agencies here in Paris. As per request, I sent them by email moments ago.

Fingers crossed, my vibe is so high, it's way beyond the atmosphere and my feelings are stellar!

I await good news.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Monday, September 7, 2009

Goin' to London...

The exploration & adventures continue!

Since I have to leave the amazing place where I've been staying in Paris the last 8 weeks, I'm taking my ass to London to see what's going on up there. Fashion week begins on September 18th, so I figure it's gonna be a great opportunity to meet some industry folks.

Let's gooooooooooo! for a place to stay....

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Once Again...The DailyOM Takes The Cake!

Someone at DailyOM is spying on my life!! I am convinced!
Just last night...well, really, at 3AM this morning...I was just going thru in my mind that maybe I should try London for a spell. I'm down to my last Euros and the last week here with my more-than-gracious host family here in Paris. I have to find a new place by Saturday...sooo, why not?!

This morning, I check my email and the DailyOM spies send me this!!.....

September 4, 2009

Working from Center
In the Thick of It

When we are "in the thick of it," overwhelmed by too many things that need our attention, it’s important to remember that we are never given more than we can handle. When life’s challenges make us question this, our best coping mechanism is to follow the reliable and well-known course to our calm center and anchor ourselves there. It is for these times that we have been *practicing regularly, so that our mind, body, and spirit will know how to find the peace within. Even in the midst of seeming chaos, a deep breath can help us turn within to find the space to work from, the calm at the center of the storm. [*I've been doing this a lot lately...BTW]

Tapping into our inner resources we begin again, bringing our focus to the needs of the present moment. Asking "why?" shifts our energy away from the task at hand. We can seek answers to those questions once we get to the other side of the present challenge. For now, we accept what is. Once we have collected scattered energy and created space, inspiration will strike, help will arrive, and what seemed impossible will either become possible or we will find it has become unnecessary. The flow of the universe and its perfect order has room to move in our lives when we get ourselves and our extraneous thoughts out of the way. [BINGO!!]

After the thick has become thin again, we have the opportunity to learn from the situation with a better idea of our true capabilities. We can now ask ourselves the "why" questions with the goal of fine-tuning our lives. Perhaps we have taken on more than is ours to do or made commitments out of obligation rather than insight. It could just be the ebb and flow and life, or we may be receiving life lessons on a fast track in preparation for something wonderful to come[!]. But when we have a chance to make new choices, we know the best ones are made when we work from center.

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