Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Come On Baby, Light My Fire!

I've been in Paris for about 2 and a half months now, and I must say it's been quite a journey. I've learned a LOT about myself and what my life is all about...and not all about. Let me tell you, Self discovery is one of the most difficult, yet most rewarding things in life....aside from motherhood, I'd imagine....but I'm not there yet.

It's funny, because prior to writing this particular blog, I'd written a list of things I'd like to chat about. Even on the metro on the way to the cafe, I was formulating ideas... Well, here I am, in front of my Mac without a clue as to what to say. I realized my list is tucked away in the journal I decided not to bring...and my new ideas vanished as soon as I opened a new Firefox window. *expletive*

With that, I guess I'll just be honest...and write what comes to my mind. It's the best way to do things like this anyway, right?

Here goes...

Lately, I've been reading a lot of articles (emails, blog posts, etc.) about inspiration. Something I've been yearning for for a while. I've found myself dwelling in boredom more often than not. The honeymoon period with Paris is over...our love affair has become, well, bland and no longer interesting...

[I assure you, Paris, it's me, not you....okay, maybe it's you too, a little...but, really, it's me, mostly.]

I digress.

For the longest, I have been looking to other things or people for my inspiration...this art, that music, this designer, that city, this blah blah blah...and it's fleeting at best. I liken it to striking a match that sparks a small flame, but burns out quickly. Apparently, I've been going about this inspiration thing all wrong. What I'm learning to understand is that inspiration comes from within...[great. more digging.]...and it's with you all the time.

Think of it like this...

Your heart is a box of full an endless number matches [desires]. The kindling you collect, as a result of your inner work, is the initial action you take toward manifesting those desires. Inspired thoughts and feelings are the logs, the fuel, to create a lasting, more permanent fire. The constant nurturing and maintenance of this flame is your continued action toward realizing your ambitions. And, of course, the resulting fire is your passion for whatever it is that you want from/in this life. [...and I believe that a one can have many different, separate fires burning within.]

Through meditation, daydreaming, or whatever, you may find yourself striking one of those matches....but it's up to you to turn that match onto the kindling and create the base for a fire. It's imperative to continually fan and feed the flames, add more wood, paper, charcoal, gasoline cans, whatever you need to keep that fire going.

Have you ever tried to light a log aflame with only a single match? What about a brick of charcoal (without the lighter fluid)?

What was the result?

You probably weren't all that successful.
I know I wasn't.

Now, back to my life [cuz it is all about me after all!]....

Some people were lucky enough to know, or remember, exactly what they came here to do early on in life. They came to earth with a complete fire kit: matches, kindling, wood, and all. Some knew since they were knee-high to a mud duck that they wanted to be a dancer, a singer, a painter, a this, a that. And, they've had a burning passion for it ever since. Even in times where their dreams and desires may have been oppressed by thoughts, beliefs, or others opinions, the knowing was still there...tucked away somewhere deep inside.

Well, not in my case. This is where my frustration comes from. Not knowing, or remembering, my passion. What is it that I'm supposed to do? What desire is "tucked away somewhere deep inside" my Being? What is it that I could do for countless hours? for days on end? for the rest of my natural life?

I don't know.

...and that fucking sucks, let me tell you.

I've been striking match after match after match, expecting an emblazoned log. "Where the fuck is the got-damned fire?!" I'd scream in my head with frustration. Match. Match. Match. FUCKING MAAAAATCH!!


So, here I am. On the other side of the world. Trying to figure this shit out. It took me about a month or so to awaken to the fact that many of the matches I'd been lighting weren't even my own! I realized that I was piggy-backing on what others thought would be good for me [...their intentions were only the best, might I add]. Nevertheless, I took those borrowed matches and ran...literally. I allowed myself to create a magnificent world based on what others thought could work for me. The sad part is, I didn't, deep down, necessarily believe it. Essentially, I'd built a fake fire...not unlike one you would find in a gas fireplace...just turn it on...and PRESTO!
Thus, nothing ever materialized.

For a moment, I thought that was it. Finito! game over. I couldn't see past the "dream" I'd so meticulously, and creatively, fashioned. *fuck*

So, where does that leave me?

In Paris.
Not knowing what the fuck I'm gonna do next and holding someone's empty box of matches.
...and winter is approaching.

To an average person, my situation may look dismal. It may seem as though I made a big "mistake" and should've stayed my ass at home, in the States, where I could've at least gotten a "job" and had a "life".

Well, let me just say...I'm NOT an average person. Quite far from it, in fact. I leave averages betwixt a set of predefined numbers.

I cannot be defined.

So, now...I ask again...where does that leave me?

It leaves me with my own box of matches, in the middle of fall, where there is plenty of material to collect for kindling. I'm ready to create a beautiful fire to keep me warm this winter and onward. This time, with my internal collecting of kindling, I know I will find the right components for building a long-lasting, powerfully intense, blazing inferno.

And so it is.

stay tuned.

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