Monday, November 9, 2009

Holed Up.

I've been keeping myself holed up in the house for the past week or so trying to shift my thoughts. I mean, I have left the house on a couple occasions, but not for too long.

My intent is to discover, thru meditation, writing, etc., what my next move is here in Paris. There are a few things that I need to make manifest rather quickly & I'm really working on maintaining my focus. However, there has been one major distraction that has presented itself recently. [Unfortunately for you, I'm not at liberty to discuss it right now...but be patient, you'll find out soon enough] Let me say, for the record, that this particular distraction is not something that I need to be focusing on so tough at this moment. I really must, in fact, concentrate my energies and efforts on my immediate situation...finding a new residence December 1st (or, instead, go to Ghana for a couple months), making some real income, and getting my paperwork straight! The illusion of time is ticking on by...

For the last few days, I've been doing a lot of spiritual "homework". Reading, listening, writing, reworking, clearing old energy, changing my thoughts and changing my feelings. I can't say that it's been easy, necessarily, but I can say that it has been somewhat effective. [I say "somewhat" because I feel like I could be doing something more...but I'm not quite sure what that something is! ARGH!]

What I do know for sure, is that I must have more belief in my Self and more faith in the Universe. This has been, by far, the most challenging for me, to be honest with you. The funny thing is...this is what I want THE MOST! I mean, I know I have a lot of talents and abilities, however, I'm not quite sure how I can apply them in my current situation. At times, I feel like I've got a handful of square pegs looking at a board full of round holes! [...hell, maybe this is more of my optimistic pessimism at work!]

In any case, I can't help but still feel a bit I'm trudging thru a channel of knee-deep muck. Part of me knows, on the other hand, that if I just step to my left or right, there's a muck-free zone that will allow everything to come together easily and flow. So why, might we all be wondering, don't I just step to the right or left? My answer is...because I still have blinders on! I can't see what's alongside me, so the left-brained part of me can't "figure it out", so all I know is muck. Additionally, I'm not trusting and having faith my knowing, which would, even with blinders on, force me, lovingly of course, to just step to one side.

Ego keeps me in the muck!

[fuckin' ego!]

I'm workin' on it.
I'm workin' on it.

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