Friday, July 24, 2009

Dear Landlord....Re: Apt 6

A letter I wrote to my landlord before I moved out of my apartment in LA...

I had to share.


July 2, 2009

Dear Landlord,

I wanted to let you know about my experience in regards to the quality of living in Apt 6. I’ve lived in this building since March of 2007. The noise problem with the neighbors to the north (meaning up north) and to the west, has been pretty ridiculous, and it started literally the day I moved in. I actually remember lying there on my bed (which was by the front window at the time) wondering why the hell the neighbors upstairs walk around in heavy-ass boots so much. It was unbelievable. I swear that man had to go for a glass of water in the kitchen from the front door and back every 27 seconds! What is that about?
Not to mention that every night around midnight, the guy in #5 would fill a jug of water from the spigot right outside my window. Why he couldn’t fill the jug INSIDE his house, never really made sense to me. Not only was it strange, but it was a little unsettling to see someone directly in front your window every night.
So, I rearranged my apartment and moved my bed to the corner by the kitchen. At least that way I could feel a bit more comfortable when I’d go to sleep.

Constant slamming of cabinets, screaming dogs…yes, screaming, NOT barking (I’ve wanted to call the ASPCA on many occasions), a giant cat running overhead like a wild tiger through a carnival, the clumsy dropping of what sometimes sounds like bowling balls or bags of marbles…it really depends on the day[!]…the list goes on. I mean, really. Why on Earth would someone consistently feed their dog at 2 and 3 o’clock in the morning…?! The only reason I know this, is because I hear banging cabinets and rustling of bags of dog food…and aloud conversation with the dog about how the good boy is going to eat! …And it seals the deal when the doggie bowl bangs up against the wall with every bite. Nom. Nom. Nom! Good doggie!
As I mentioned before, my bed happens to be right next to that wall.
Good morning, Neighbor! …For 2 years. *sigh*

[And the guy next to the laundry room thinks HE’S got it bad! No one is washing clothes every single night at 2:30 in the morning, dude! At least not from what I’ve seen.]

I can decorate the apartment to the point that Spielberg would want to shoot a movie there. However, we would never get a quiet-on-the-set long enough to for a whole day’s shoot!

Now, I’m sure they can hear me from time to time too…it’s an old building. I get that. I try my best to maintain a respectful noise level due to that. You know, the Golden Rule…do unto others…
Well, sometimes others don’t “do unto you”…I understand that. Hey, it’s their karma after all. Cool, no problem! However, it doesn’t make it any more fun to be on the living end of it. Imagine, living inside a tiny little box with a noisy lid and [bedroom] wall!

On numerous occasions, I’ve actually been woken up out of my sleep with thunderous bangs above my head at 4am. It can get pretty ridiculous. Not to mention the experience I had with the neighbors upstairs last year because I went to ask them nicely to be mindful of my ceiling!
And there’s nothing I can do. I can’t call the sheriff and tell him to send a cop because my upstairs neighbors are as clumsy as a dog with no toes. RUFKM? I’D be the one going to jail for calling with such bullshit! What can I do? Up and move? No. [well, now, yes…but then, no!]

At one point I complained so much that the owner had to put in “insulated” wood floors [oxymoron], as you know. I can say that the level of noise has been “reduced” [I use this term loosely] since the installation of the new floors. Problem is…they love the kitchen!
Blam! [WTF was THAT?!]…It sounds like a jar full of ball-peen hammers dropped out of the sky onto my ceiling. AND, I have witnesses! Their usual response goes something like, “Damn!! What the f*ck was that?!” My reply is usually my best guess. “Oh, they’re bowling again,” I answer. “You better get used to it!”

With all that said, I must say that I’m actually happy the next tenant will be paying less for Apt 6 than I was…she’s a sweet girl. Very nice. [As you know, she bought a lot of my stuff because my apartment is so awesome! The place pretty much sold itself, literally.] I can’t help but wonder how I ended up manifesting such a price for less peace. Or, maybe I just blame Bush, I don’t know.

My hope for her, is that something magical happens, and the problem ceases. But, I think that would require a return of the Massiah or an intervention involving alien abduction. What are the chances? …I guess we’ll have to see.
(I know who I’ve got my money on!)

Good luck in any pursuits you may have in resolving this issue…you’re gonna need it!


former tenant, Apt 6.

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