Monday, April 7, 2008

...Wookin Puh Nub...

In all the wrong places indeed! I'm really trying to understand the innate human desire to go after the thing (or things) that eludes us. Why do we want the things we can't have? Why to we chase things that don't want to be caught? What makes them so enticing? (...especially when it comes to love/like/lust/whatever.)

I never thought I was one who liked to chase (and I still think I don't really enjoy it). But, for some reason I find myself staring Wyle E. Coyote in the mirror more and more often.


It's torture, really. It may be impatience. It may be personal issues. Hell, it may be both! (probably both) But, whatever it is, it's not good. I've read The Rules Book (both I & II) and I've been breaking each and every one of them. Thinking that if I just be honest and open about everything and not play "the game", things will work out in my favor. WRONG! At the end of the day, I'm running a losing race. I know it's mean, but I feel like I'm running in the Special Olympics for emotional retards & apparently I'm going for the gold! This can't be good.

**The funny thing is, this isn't the kind of thing that people usually divulge publicly. However, blogging is my version of release therapy. Well, blogging and crying...I am a Cancer after all!**

I was finally able to admit to myself a few weeks ago that I am ready to not be single anymore. It's been five years of the single life and I'm ready to chill out for a minute. But, I guess because I'm ready for a relationship, I jump into girlfriend mode before really looking at the situation first. I definitely get so far ahead of myself that I find that I am not embracing my own worth. When I fall, I tend to fall hard. I sometimes...well, actually, most times, give more of myself than I should be. More than is sometimes deserved. Why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free? Well you know what? I'm cutting off my utter! No more freebies. I'm tired.

It's really not worth the headache. I'm so over trying to make things fit. The square block will never fit in the triangle hole! I learned that when I was 2. For some reason I'm dismissing that information & trying to make it work. And...surprise, surprise...I'm frustrated! Shock-er!

I know my worth. I know my good qualities and my bad. I could write a list! (and maybe I should!) I know that what I bring to the table, overall, is good shit. Yes, I have issues. We all do. (YES, we ALL do - no one's exempt) But, I'm workin' em out. Here's the problem. There's a lack of quality & substance in the dating world. Men have gotten so lazy that it makes me want to throw up. So many women have been throwing cubic zirconia at these guys that they don't know when they've got a real diamond in hand. (I'm sure the guys have their complaints about women too. That's fine. I know there's a lot of donkeys out there. I'm just not one of them!)

Now, here's my problem. I don't demand what I deserve. I let people get away with murder, and feel bad about it later. I settle for what is right now, rather than waiting for what is right. It's an insecurity. I know. Another thing I concluded during one of my many introspective moments, I have abandonment issues. There. I said it. Out loud. I never understood why I hold on so least not until now. So, how do I correct it? I don't know. Unfortunately, I only took Psych 101 for a semester & didn't pursue it any further. Oh well. Looks like another trial and error session for Yaas Q. awesome. (but not really)

I wish I was a cut & dry, yes-noer. But, alas, I'm not. I can see the black and white, but for some reason, I want to mix it all up. I live in the gray area hoping to make blue or green. You know what's dumb? That shit!

Damn it. I'm working on it though!

status: under construction

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